I drove home through this snow tonight relieved that another day of work is over. I looked around at all the places I used to be familiar with, reflecting back on times that seemed so happy, that somehow like so many aspects of my life have gotten tucked away like pictures in a memory box.
I drove by places I have driven by all the time but for some strange reason tonight they look different..tonight they were brighter. Maybe I was reflecting back on a life that was, maybe my heart is beginning to open, or maybe I realize that although one chapter of my life is closed, there is a verse in that chapter that carries on, that repeats over and over, waiting for that moment that I awaken and understand its meaning...I look in the mirror...only briefly..it saddens me to stare.. circles and darkness cloud my face. I see a reflection of someone lost, afraid, and unsure of everything that surrounds me, unsure of what life expects of me. I stand paralized..but that verse screams to be repeated again, and again and again..waiting for me to understand it's meaning, waiting for me to awaken. I remember moving here...to Nebraska...little red sports car..Ben driving, me riding 7m. pregnant, my dog Savannah in the back vomitting because of car sickness and Alissa. We were on a road without any clue of what we would become..filled with hope and optimism of a new life...a new job, a new home, a new baby..we had it all!!! But in the process of gaining and becoming more...we became lost and seperated in the darkness. I remember when Ben and I were dating we were riding a roller coaster..I am not fond of them, but I rode fearfully, he reached for my hand and told me he would always be with me when I was afraid.. here 1 baby, a job, bills, a house unsold in Georgia, and then another baby, I became afraid...I reached...I couldn't find his hand...I reached harder almost in a panic...it was gone..he was somewhere else...I was alone in the dark...I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me..he was to far away...the realization came that I could stand I could continue the journey..I had to find my way in the darkness alone. Now glimpses of light begin to be seen, words from the verse are beginning to make sense...I sense a familiarity that I thought was gone...I am awaking!!!
