My Passion

I was sitting in a nursing seminar when the speaker suddenly instructed us that we were going to performing hand massages on the person sitting beside us.  Okay-I guess if I have to...the person sitting beside me was a nurse who I had reluctantly grown to appreciate. She was older-her personality was one that could make you feel less than an inch, always commanding something of someone...as I began to massage her hands the speaker informed us to think of all of the things these hands had done, all of the lives these hands had touched...I began to become teary eyed because for a moment I recieved a glimpse of this nurses passion and devotion to her patients..and although I wasn't fond of her...she was truly soft and caring underneath and had a great love for her work.
I then looked at my hands-the lines, the scars reminding me of times of the past. I thought of my hands holding my babies, diligently writing papers, pushing medications, performing CPR to a lifeless person..and then I really become overwhelmed.
I recall being at my friend Lori Harvey's home when I was about 6 for a play date. Her mom was a nurse, a baby nurse. While we were there she took a white envelope and somehow managed to create a  nursea cap. When that cap was placed on my head, I had found my calling in my life!!!
I worked hard my sophomore year in high school trying to devote myself, and eventually went on to letter in academics that year, the next year though I became sidetracked by a boy and lost focus. I later married that boy, had a beautiful baby girl, and became even more distant from my dream.
Somehow my angel come along and introduced me to a way to get back in touch..so I started classes a a small community college on the air force base. That boy and I divorced..and I was standing at a crossroads as I was now a single mom, no education, little work experience as I stayed home with my daughter, and making $6.75 an hour teaching craft classes at the local craft store. How in the world would I ever make it?? I decided I need to give my daughter a future so I got aggressive and got my butt back to school.
Just for the experience I tested to see what I would be facing, a few weeks later I unexpectingly recieved a letter of congratulations and acceptance to nursing school the next fall. However I had not obtained all of the credits necessary to start in the fall...I wasn't going to let that stop me. I quit my job that summer, pulled student loans and took 15 credit hours to complete my prerequisite work. Full time in summer school is 6 credithours. I was advised to not take college algebra and statistics at the same time, but what choice did I have?..I took it on..started school in the fall and so began the path to my passion.
I later received a key chain for nurses day that said,"I believe my work is my calling" First and foremost my work at home is the most important work I will ever do, but if I am required to work outside my home I cannot imagine doing anything more spectacular.
Nursing is like marriage- you laugh, you cry, you freak out, you get scared, you feel fulfilled at some moments, and life a failure at others. You commit yourself to few breaks, long and exhausting hours to care for the well being and the needs of others.You are pulled in every direction. Many times overlooked and unappreciated. Most miss out on the big picture-but behind the scenes you get a whole different view. I have never been the greatest nurse, or the smartest. My name only has RN as my credentials. But everyday I gain something more-I feel blessed as others allow me a glimpse of goodness and vulnerability into their lives. The end is not always bright. And not everyone wants to be helped. Those are the realities!! However, if I have the opportunity to recover a new mother, or hold the hand of a person in tears facing a grim and bleek future, that is sacred!! The pay leaves something to be desired, the hours are long and demanding but the fulfillment is unmeasureable. I am grateful to wake up everyday and although, exhausted, stressed, and fed-up at times, I am blessed to have 2 hands that work to touch the lives of others. When I am aged and old and look at my hands I to will look back and recall, those pivotal moments in my life-that my hands were a part of. This is my passion!!

The Awakening..

I drove home through this snow tonight relieved that another day of work is over. I looked around at all the places I used to be familiar with, reflecting back on times that seemed so happy, that somehow like so many aspects of my life have gotten tucked away like pictures in a memory box.
I drove by places I  have driven by all the time but for some strange reason tonight they look different..tonight they were brighter. Maybe I was reflecting back on a life that was, maybe my heart is beginning to open, or maybe I realize that although one chapter of my life is closed, there is a verse in that chapter that carries on, that repeats over and over, waiting for that moment that I awaken and understand its meaning...I look in the mirror...only briefly..it saddens me to stare.. circles and darkness cloud my face. I see a reflection of someone lost, afraid, and unsure of everything that surrounds me, unsure of what life expects of me. I stand paralized..but that verse screams to be repeated again, and again and again..waiting for me to understand it's meaning, waiting for me to awaken. I remember moving here...to Nebraska...little red sports car..Ben driving, me riding 7m. pregnant, my dog Savannah in the back vomitting because of car sickness and Alissa. We were on a road without any clue of what we would become..filled with hope and optimism of a new life...a new job, a new home, a new baby..we had it all!!! But in the process of gaining and becoming more...we became lost and seperated in the darkness. I remember when Ben and I were dating we were riding a roller coaster..I am not fond of them, but I rode fearfully, he reached for my hand and told me he would always be with me when I was afraid.. here 1 baby, a job, bills, a house unsold in Georgia, and then another baby, I became afraid...I reached...I couldn't find his hand...I reached harder almost in a panic...it was gone..he was somewhere else...I was alone in the dark...I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me..he was to far away...the realization came that I could stand  I could continue the journey..I had to find my way in the darkness alone. Now glimpses of light begin to be seen, words from the verse are beginning to make sense...I sense a familiarity that I thought was gone...I am awaking!!!