My Passion

I was sitting in a nursing seminar when the speaker suddenly instructed us that we were going to performing hand massages on the person sitting beside us.  Okay-I guess if I have to...the person sitting beside me was a nurse who I had reluctantly grown to appreciate. She was older-her personality was one that could make you feel less than an inch, always commanding something of someone...as I began to massage her hands the speaker informed us to think of all of the things these hands had done, all of the lives these hands had touched...I began to become teary eyed because for a moment I recieved a glimpse of this nurses passion and devotion to her patients..and although I wasn't fond of her...she was truly soft and caring underneath and had a great love for her work.
I then looked at my hands-the lines, the scars reminding me of times of the past. I thought of my hands holding my babies, diligently writing papers, pushing medications, performing CPR to a lifeless person..and then I really become overwhelmed.
I recall being at my friend Lori Harvey's home when I was about 6 for a play date. Her mom was a nurse, a baby nurse. While we were there she took a white envelope and somehow managed to create a  nursea cap. When that cap was placed on my head, I had found my calling in my life!!!
I worked hard my sophomore year in high school trying to devote myself, and eventually went on to letter in academics that year, the next year though I became sidetracked by a boy and lost focus. I later married that boy, had a beautiful baby girl, and became even more distant from my dream.
Somehow my angel come along and introduced me to a way to get back in touch..so I started classes a a small community college on the air force base. That boy and I divorced..and I was standing at a crossroads as I was now a single mom, no education, little work experience as I stayed home with my daughter, and making $6.75 an hour teaching craft classes at the local craft store. How in the world would I ever make it?? I decided I need to give my daughter a future so I got aggressive and got my butt back to school.
Just for the experience I tested to see what I would be facing, a few weeks later I unexpectingly recieved a letter of congratulations and acceptance to nursing school the next fall. However I had not obtained all of the credits necessary to start in the fall...I wasn't going to let that stop me. I quit my job that summer, pulled student loans and took 15 credit hours to complete my prerequisite work. Full time in summer school is 6 credithours. I was advised to not take college algebra and statistics at the same time, but what choice did I have?..I took it on..started school in the fall and so began the path to my passion.
I later received a key chain for nurses day that said,"I believe my work is my calling" First and foremost my work at home is the most important work I will ever do, but if I am required to work outside my home I cannot imagine doing anything more spectacular.
Nursing is like marriage- you laugh, you cry, you freak out, you get scared, you feel fulfilled at some moments, and life a failure at others. You commit yourself to few breaks, long and exhausting hours to care for the well being and the needs of others.You are pulled in every direction. Many times overlooked and unappreciated. Most miss out on the big picture-but behind the scenes you get a whole different view. I have never been the greatest nurse, or the smartest. My name only has RN as my credentials. But everyday I gain something more-I feel blessed as others allow me a glimpse of goodness and vulnerability into their lives. The end is not always bright. And not everyone wants to be helped. Those are the realities!! However, if I have the opportunity to recover a new mother, or hold the hand of a person in tears facing a grim and bleek future, that is sacred!! The pay leaves something to be desired, the hours are long and demanding but the fulfillment is unmeasureable. I am grateful to wake up everyday and although, exhausted, stressed, and fed-up at times, I am blessed to have 2 hands that work to touch the lives of others. When I am aged and old and look at my hands I to will look back and recall, those pivotal moments in my life-that my hands were a part of. This is my passion!!

The Awakening..

I drove home through this snow tonight relieved that another day of work is over. I looked around at all the places I used to be familiar with, reflecting back on times that seemed so happy, that somehow like so many aspects of my life have gotten tucked away like pictures in a memory box.
I drove by places I  have driven by all the time but for some strange reason tonight they look different..tonight they were brighter. Maybe I was reflecting back on a life that was, maybe my heart is beginning to open, or maybe I realize that although one chapter of my life is closed, there is a verse in that chapter that carries on, that repeats over and over, waiting for that moment that I awaken and understand its meaning...I look in the mirror...only briefly..it saddens me to stare.. circles and darkness cloud my face. I see a reflection of someone lost, afraid, and unsure of everything that surrounds me, unsure of what life expects of me. I stand paralized..but that verse screams to be repeated again, and again and again..waiting for me to understand it's meaning, waiting for me to awaken. I remember moving here...to Nebraska...little red sports car..Ben driving, me riding 7m. pregnant, my dog Savannah in the back vomitting because of car sickness and Alissa. We were on a road without any clue of what we would become..filled with hope and optimism of a new life...a new job, a new home, a new baby..we had it all!!! But in the process of gaining and becoming more...we became lost and seperated in the darkness. I remember when Ben and I were dating we were riding a roller coaster..I am not fond of them, but I rode fearfully, he reached for my hand and told me he would always be with me when I was afraid.. here 1 baby, a job, bills, a house unsold in Georgia, and then another baby, I became afraid...I reached...I couldn't find his hand...I reached harder almost in a panic...it was gone..he was somewhere else...I was alone in the dark...I screamed out to him but he couldn't hear me..he was to far away...the realization came that I could stand  I could continue the journey..I had to find my way in the darkness alone. Now glimpses of light begin to be seen, words from the verse are beginning to make sense...I sense a familiarity that I thought was gone...I am awaking!!!

Another year gone by

I have had the great opportunity to connect with so many aspects of my life this past year.
With sadness and tragedy we find a way to make peace and work through those emotions and thoughts that seem surreal. I recall starting the year..married yet by myself. Trying desperatly to save something that was already gone (that's the nurse in me). One of the pivotal points was sitting in the car with my husband waiting to go into a restaurant to eat, attempting to shock this marriage back to life and listen to my husband tell me what a ^%$$% he thought I was, and how he had 2 girls that he had ready to replace me. Why did I choose to share this? I vowed at that very moment that I would never spend another moment of my time with someone who felt it was okay to talk to me the way he had, and I realized it was time to let go. Sometimes holding on makes things so much worse and the pain at the moment was excruciating. I was done!!! Divorce is never an easy choice but in some cases necessary. That truly had to have been one of the worst things I ever had to go through...but God has granted me the opportunity to know him better and to again find myself. There have been so many blessings/people that have come into the life of myself and my family over the past year and I was thinking this morning...how many people, how many opportunities I would have missed out on!!! We are blessed!!! I would have never thought in the beginning of this process that I would be smiling in the end. In a year that seemed so full of missed and lost opportunities (the car that got sold, the beautiful lake front property I didn't end up buying(still kicking myself), job opportunities, relationship ) Actually now that I think about it everything I thought that I wanted presented itself to me this year, yet I gave it all up!!! Ironic!! Again-I would have missed out on so much. I feel peace in my life...and again ironically enough I have been able to forgive Ben....something that I never thought I would do. He and I have become friends and I appreciate that. He is a good person...just very lost. I will be 36 at the end of the month-and this year I have learned to welcome this change as long as I have my health. I have learned that I am still alive and well and that if this is the path that I have to walk then I will welcome it with grace and glorify it!!! In the moments in our lives when we feel life is being sucked away from us...those are the moments that define who we are!!

Humility and Love

It's funny as I sat through church today listening and pondering all that was being said. I recall in my own life hearing something from someone very close to me that seemed so surreal. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach yet could not catch my breath. A month went by and I found myself overcome with the realization of what I had been told...a few more weeks passed and I was slowly losing myself. I spent any free time in my bed..hiding, yearning for an understanding as to why it is that my life had taken this direction...and then one morning I recall a gentle gift from above. I realized that I was losing this fight..I was giving up, and then suddenly it hit me, I had two choices- I could choose to surrender myself or I could remember my purpose and get back to living my life. I remember thinking that I chose to come to this earth to serve and glorify my Heavenly Father and again I was faced with the question,"What path will you choose?" I had determined at that moment to fight back and do all that was necessary to overcome this obstacle that I was facing. Now, 18 months later..I have gained a great deal of happiness and peace that had I not made that choice I would have never found. I am so thankful for the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. And although life throws a curve ball here and there..We Never Walk Alone!!!